The Jedi Training of Akkei

[Akkei Nara]

Akkei arrived at the compound.
"I expected something... more" he said to himself.
He saw only one person coming out. He walked in and saw few young jedi walking around.
A woman come up to him.
"Welcome to the compound"she said politely "How can i help you?"
Akkei smiled back to her. She wasn't much older than him.
"I'm want to learn the way of the Jedi. I'm good with the lightsaber combat and force usage. I had a master... but she died"
Akkei did a sad face.
"We will see what we can do" said the woman winking at Akkei.
"We don't know nothing of your skills. If you prove yourself worthy... we will either train you or give you an apprentice of your own."

OOC:I can either be a Jedi knight or a padavan its up to you

[Io Lee]

((Please edit your post. We do not have a temple just yet as our numbers are small. We might have about fifteen to twenty people at the compound. Please look here for a short description of our compound.))

[Akkei Nara]

OOC:Edited
By the way Io Lee could you be my master or do you have an apprentice already?

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

I will take this one on.

[Akkei Nara]

Akkei looks at the master.
"Thank you. I'm Akkei Nara from the curosant. I am at your service master"

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

We will start this off as if we have never met before. You have been assigned to me by the Grand Master, Io Lee. Marius lives aboard his Venator-Class Star Destroyer, which when on Tython, he keeps hidden in the atmosphere or in a large canyon in the Southern Hemisphere. The ship has been largely automated, allowing Marius to run the ship by himself if he had to. However he is assisted by his long time friend, who he considers his sister and her Wookie. You will be traveling across Tython from the Jedi Compound to Marius' craft. Roleplay this out in detail.

[Akkei Nara]

Can i have more detail about your friend?
Age, species...

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

She is human and was born on Corellia 30 years after Marius. She worked as a smuggler and bounty hunter through her 20's until she was shot down by Marius when his ship was charged with protecting the convoy her target was on. Marius released her into his own service and they became friends. When he left the Navy and the Sith, she followed.

[Akkei Nara]

So whats her actual age?
And name.

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

Considering Marius is 64 (I have a profile posted that you can read), she'd be 34. And none of this is important at the moment. You as a character would not know her name, her age, what she looks like, etc... You as a character do not even know that she exists.

For now just worry about controlling your own character. RP out your coming to my ship from the Jedi Compound. You do not need to RP out meeting her yet. Just worry about getting to my ship. And try to make it interesting.

[Akkei Nara]

After Master Io Lee told Akkei that his new master is awaiting him at his star destroyer, Akkei ran to the docks and jumped into his X-wing using force.
He was really exited. His master OWNED a Venator-class star destroyer! He must have been really powerful.
He typed the coordinates to the Southern hemisphere. Grand Master told him to look in the canyon.
Akkei flew there and saw the massive ship.
He turned on his radio.
"X-wing to the star destroyer do you copy?" he asked. His voice was bit higher than usual, but that's only because of the excitement.
"Star destroyer here."said strong male voice."Do not do any spontaneous movements or I will start firing. "
Akkei looked at the ship and shivered. Even though his flying skills were a lot above the average, he still knew he had no chance. Nobody in an X-wing had.
"Identify yourself and state your purpose." said the male voice calmly.
"Akkei Nara... I'm Master's Marius's new apprentice assigned by the Grand Master Io Lee. I request a permission to enter."
Noone answered for a minute. Akkei grew inpatient, and when he was going to ask again, the voice said again. "Permission granted".
Akkei turned his ship and flew towards the star destroyer. He flew in and landed in the dock.
As he was jumping off the X-wing he saw a human, good looking woman coming his way.
"So your Marius's new apprentice?"she said looking at Akkei from top to bottom.
Akkei looked at the woman. He couldn't say exactly how old she is but not much older than him.
"Yes."He said smiling"Where is Master Marius?"
"His awaiting you, just follow me."she said and then winked at Akkei "Nice ship you have there. Modified X-wing huh?"
Akkei looked at her with his eyes wide open. A woman knowing about ships?
"Yes. I modified him myself. It has space for 2 now" he said with a smile at the corner of his mouth.
"How about you will take me for a spin later and we will see what you did to it?"she said and turned her face to hide the fact that his blushing.
"Sure..."Akkei was about to say something, but he heard a loud roar. In a matter of seconds he took out his lightsaber. He was ready for anything...
"Calm down!"said woman laughing."Its just my wookie friend"she said showing Akkei her tong.
He hided his lightsaber and kept walking.
Whan he got to the bridge, Akkei saw a man... It must have been his master, as he wore the Jedi robes.
"Master Marius... I'm at your service."

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

Ok first thing, you break your paragraphs way too often.
This is a better way to have written it from a grammatical standpoint:

After Master Io Lee told Akkei that his new master is awaiting him at his star destroyer, Akkei ran to the docks and jumped into his X-wing using force. He was really exited. His master owned a Venator-class star destroyer! He must have been really powerful. He typed the coordinates to the Southern hemisphere. Grand Master told him to look in the canyon. Akkei flew there and saw the massive ship. He turned on his radio. "X-wing to the star destroyer do you copy?" he asked. His voice was bit higher than usual, but that's only because of the excitement.

"Star destroyer here."said strong male voice."Do not do any spontaneous movements or I will start firing." Akkei looked at the ship and shivered. Even though his flying skills were a lot above the average, he still knew he had no chance. Nobody in an X-wing had. "Identify yourself and state your purpose." said the male voice calmly.

"Akkei Nara... I'm Master's Marius's new apprentice assigned by the Grand Master Io Lee. I request a permission to enter."

Noone answered for a minute. Akkei grew inpatient, and when he was going to ask again, the voice said again. "Permission granted". Akkei turned his ship and flew towards the star destroyer. He flew in and landed in the dock. As he was jumping off the X-wing he saw a human, good looking woman coming his way.

"So your Marius's new apprentice?" She said looking at Akkei from top to bottom. Akkei looked at the woman. He couldn't say exactly how old she is but not much older than him.

"Yes." He said smiling "Where is Master Marius?"

"His awaiting you, just follow me." She said and then winked at Akkei "Nice ship you have there. Modified X-wing huh?" Akkei looked at her with his eyes wide open. A woman knowing about ships?

"Yes. I modified him myself. It has space for 2 now" He said with a smile at the corner of his mouth.

"How about you will take me for a spin later and we will see what you did to it?" She said and turned her face to hide the fact that his blushing.

"Sure..."Akkei was about to say something, but he heard a loud roar. In a matter of seconds he took out his lightsaber. He was ready for anything.

"Calm down!" Said woman laughing."Its just my wookie friend" She said showing Akkei her tong. He hid his lightsaber and kept walking.

Whan he got to the bridge, Akkei saw a man. It must have been his master, as he wore the Jedi robes. "Master Marius... I'm at your service."

You also need to work on putting spaces after end-quotes, as well as capitalization. But you have a good grasp on creating a nice flowing story. Now redo your arrival, but this time you must walk from the compound to the Star Destroyer. Try to be as detailed as possible about the planets, animals, and landmarks you encounter.

[Akkei Nara]

Thanks i will work on that.
Do you mean that i'm suppose to say that the ship is "parked" on the planet?

[Akkei Nara]

After Akkei was told to find Master's Marius's star destroyer which was hidden about 2 km from the compound.
Between the ship and the compound was a thick jungle.
Grand master Io Lee said that the jungle is full of dangerous animals and plants. If Akkei was to go there on foot.
If he survived, he was consider worthy being Master Marius's apprentice.

Akkei stood in front of the jungle. He could see a little path which he was suppose to follow.
Akkei took few deep breaths and ran into the jungle. His mind went blank. He used his instincts mixed with listening to the force.
That way he could easily feel the presence or any animal coming his way. He passed weird looking trees and some ancient ruins.

Suddenly he felt a movement behind a tree.
He stopped and took out one of his lightsabers. He was a master at the Makashi form and proficient at Jar'Kai so would had no problem at killing the animal.
"But why kill an innocent animal?" he asked himself.

A huge 2 times his size tiger looking like animal appeared from behind the tree. It was white in color with black tribal stripes on its back.

Akkei thought he could kill it with one move of his lightsaber... but why would he do that?

He used a new thing he was practicing on rats on the curosant. He sat down and meditated. Then he looked straight into animals wild looking eyes.
The wildness and intention to kill disappeared. Akkei knew it worked. He come up the the beast and tapped its head.
The big cat muttered and bent his legs.
Akkei climbed to his back and grabbed animals fur.

"I hope this is still 'on foot'" said Akkei to himself and laughed.
The rest of the way no animal dared to attack him, as he was riding on the top of the big cat.

5 minuts later he could see that the jungle wasn't that thick.
He could even see a ship parked on the glade.

As he and his new friend got to the ship a droid was waiting for him already.
"Follow me please" he said in his mechanical voice and Akkei followed him inside to start a new adventure with his new master.

[Akkei Nara]

So how was it?

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

OOC: Ok. Better at the paragraphs, but you are still creating new lines where you shouldn't.

After Akkei was told to find Master's Marius's star destroyer which was hidden about 2 km from the compound. Between the ship and the compound was a thick jungle. Grand master Io Lee said that the jungle is full of dangerous animals and plants. If Akkei was to go there on foot. If he survived, he was consider worthy being Master Marius's apprentice.

Akkei stood in front of the jungle. He could see a little path which he was suppose to follow. Akkei took few deep breaths and ran into the jungle. His mind went blank. He used his instincts mixed with listening to the force. That way he could easily feel the presence or any animal coming his way. He passed weird looking trees and some ancient ruins.

Suddenly he felt a movement behind a tree. He stopped and took out one of his lightsabers. He was a master at the Makashi form and proficient at Jar'Kai so would had no problem at killing the animal. "But why kill an innocent animal?" he asked himself.

A huge 2 times his size tiger looking like animal appeared from behind the tree. It was white in color with black tribal stripes on its back. Akkei thought he could kill it with one move of his lightsaber... but why would he do that? He used a new thing he was practicing on rats on the curosant. He sat down and meditated. Then he looked straight into animals wild looking eyes. The wildness and intention to kill disappeared. Akkei knew it worked. He come up the the beast and tapped its head. The big cat muttered and bent his legs. Akkei climbed to his back and grabbed animals fur.

"I hope this is still 'on foot'" said Akkei to himself and laughed. The rest of the way no animal dared to attack him, as he was riding on the top of the big cat.

5 minutes later he could see that the jungle wasn't that thick. He could even see a ship parked on the glade. As he and his new friend got to the ship a droid was waiting for him already. "Follow me please" he said in his mechanical voice and Akkei followed him inside to start a new adventure with his new master.

You should only be starting a new paragraph when you change topics, train of thought, or a new person starts speaking. Other than that, great use of your imagination to create the story.

Though I have qualms with your "skill" in two Lightsaber forms. Padawans/Apprentices are just starting out, learning one form. You would have your hands full being Proficient at a form right now, never mind knowing 2. Pick one and stick with it for now.

IC:
Admiral Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum, once the commander of an entire Fleet in the Empire now stood watch over the bridge of a single Venator-Class Star Destroyer. Smaller was bigger. Bigger was smaller. Life was peaceful now. The Star Destroyer had been greatly modified, automating many of the functions reserved for crew members with the thousands of droid brains and control centers installed in the craft. It had been meant as a getaway for a Sith Lord, a weapon of the Empire. Now it was the refuge of a Jedi, the prey of the Empire. Today, for the first time in decades the Corellian would take on an apprentice, this time as a Padawan. His last apprentice had been a Sith, and had been the last straw. The things Sidious expected the boy to execute had been horrendous. The Bothan Sith Hopeful had only been 10 years old when he was first assigned to Marius, Darth Leviatus. It only took him five years before he could no longer stand letting Sidious mold the boy, and he left. Almost 30 years old, hunted by the largest empire in the history of the galaxy, he had been saved by one thing, a Civil War. It consumed the galaxy entirely, allowing a rogue to flit along the Outer Rim, border line Unknown Regions. That was nigh 40 years ago. Marius was a Jedi now, a Master even, one of the few left in the galaxy.

The aged Admiral turned away from his reverie and was greeted by the familiar form of RK-37, one of the several droids that served the Jedi aboard his craft. RK-37 was an assassin droid modified for guard duty. The droid was constantly in contact with his counterparts and plugged into the Destroyer's security system, able to receive holovids from anywhere on the ship. "There is a youngling being brought to the craft. He mentions that you are his new master. Do we let him in?"

"Yes. But test him. Lead him the wrong way in the ship. Away from me. I want to see if he can sense my presence at all." Marius answered. The droid radioed his counterpart that was with Akkei the instructions before returning to his station outside of the bridge. Marius sat down in a meditation sphere that had been placed in the modified bridge and let the Force envelop him.

[Akkei Nara]

Akkei walked chatting with the woman. After the next turn, he felt as if something was wrong. Like if they took the wrong turn.
"Are you sure we are going the right way?" he asked with a sign of displease on his face.
"Yea sure!! Its this way!"said the woman not showing any emotions on her face but a smile.
Even though is was a good smile, Akkei still could see beyond that. The smile was a fake.
"I think its this way"he said laughing "There's no human there... I can feel it."
The woman looked at him with a smile. "I know this ship better than you i presume."
Akkei looked at her with a sarcastic face. "I trust you, but i trust my instincts even more"
He turned left through the next door, and kept walking until he reached the bridge, where master Marius was.

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

OOC:
You are still breaking your lines way too early. Why is that?
And it would be quite the distance from the ground level to the bridge. You'd have to go vertical too. The bridge is not inline with the base.

IC:
Marius turned and looked at the newcomer. Smiling on the inside, he changed his posture ever so slightly, more subservient than normal. With a quick mental shield, he was cut off from the Force, diminishingly so that there would be no abrupt disappearance. He added a limp to his step and walked to stand in front of Akkei. Looking the boy up and down he put on a big smile. "So you must be Master Marius' new apprentice. He has been expecting you, but had other matters to attend to. He will be back in due time. But for now he said to get comfortable. I will show you to your quarters."

Marius hobbled past them, leading away from the bridge. The female could not help but smirk as Akkei was led away, without a clue as to who he was being led by. With every limp, Marius slowed down ever so slightly, until he was barely crawling along in the corridors.

[Akkei Nara]

Akkei was confused. Something was wrong and even though force said nothing, his sixth sense was saying that this person is not who he pretends to be.
There was a weird power in him. Akkei felt it and started thinking bout all that happened so far. Was it some kind of a test?
If so he planned to play along... for now.
He followed the stranger until they reached their they destiny.

OOC:Sorry I'm really tired.

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

OOC:
You are still breaking lines where you shouldn't be. In fact that entire post should have been just one paragraph.
I'm going to ask that your next 5 replies be in proper paragraph form (as I use and as I have corrected your previous posts to be) as well as being lengthier (at least 4 well written paragraphs, more is better). I admit, there wasn't much openly apparent from my post, but you could have made it interesting. Perhaps describe the interior of a Venator, or talk a little bit about your character. Get your background typed up here to use for your bio. Maybe talk about an experience in your past or your childhood. Just something to keep it interesting and to make it longer. Too long is a burden, but too short can be annoying to work with.

IC:
Marius led the boy back to the lower levels of the bridge, where the lesser officers would have bunked if there had been any. The barracks in the rest of the ship were filled with soldier droids, what few Marius had managed to keep in working condition over the years, and had been converted from beds to charging stations and lubricant baths. The Jedi Master continued to hobble, keeping with the ruse he had started. Little by little he began to modify his appearance, adding a beard, longer hair, a larger nose, gruesome mole, until he no longer looked even remotely like his real self. When they arrived at what would have been the quarters of a Lieutenant Senior Grade, he paused and the door slid open with a wave of his hand over the control pad. "This is where your master wished you to be quartered until his return. Get settled and organized. I will call you when he returns, which should be sometime tomorrow morning, so I suggest you rest."

With that Marius, in his guise, headed back for the bridge via a route that took him through the bowels of the ship, just in case the new apprentice decided to follow. But the younger presence in the Force stayed in his room.

[Akkei Nara]

Akkei looked around the room. It was a big, open room with lost of space reminding him of his room on Curosant. It even smelled similar. The smell of incense. Just like Rao's.
Rao was Akkei's old master. She was like mother to him ever since she found him in front of her door. She could sense the force potential in a small baby. Rao was a gray Jedi, who ran away from the Jedi order when the sith attacked.
She thought Akkei everything he knew. Makashi, Jar'kai and how to hear the force. She died because of her age, and left Akkei her main weapon and ship making factories. Akkei missed his master, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He sat down in his room and meditated, waiting for his master to come.

OOC:Sorry, but English is not my first language. Believe me Iąm trying my best.

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

OOC:
A Lieutenant's room would not be big at all. It would be quite small with a bunk, a desk, a holocom, and a small refresher.
And it is very doubtful that an Apprentice would have mastered a Lightsaber form, especially one of the more complex forms (Markashi, Jar'kai, etc...).
I didn't realize that proper paragraphs were an English-only concept.

[Akkei Nara]

OOC:sorry i never knew that.
And its way easier if english is your primary language

[Marius Decimus Trent Praxeum]

OOC: Yeah. Lieutenants are not extremely important officers. A Captain of the ship or Admiral and above would receive plush quarters. Everyone else gets the minimum.
It is easier to write in English, yes. But since paragraphs are pretty much followed in almost every language, that should not be as big a problem as it is. But thats what this training is for, to get you to work on it and be ready for the "big stuff" once you have completed your training.

[Akkei Nara]

OOC: I am ready for the next step.